Getting tired of it
Posted: Mon Sep 28, 2020 14:01
Hey there,
today is one of those days where letting go feels kind of healing, so why not seizing the moment. I'm not writing this down feeling angry, nor my intention is to attack anyone. As the title said, I just feel tired of all of this, and I'd like to explain why.
I think we're all here because we believe in humans shaping tools to their need. We're curious, we want to see what's inside the box and we feel thrilled to the idea we can actually change what lies inside. Some feel powerful, some feel joyful, some just want to say "hey, see this little thing? I made it! There is a part of me in here!". Whatever the reason, that's what we do.
In the 7 months I've been here, I've never felt part of the Minetest community. Because, to me, there was no community to perceive in the first place. We're a bunch of strangers passing by, doing our thing, most of the time feeling kind of ignored, eventually getting frustrated. The general environment is cold, nothing really seems to happen even if it does happen, core devs resound like evanescent semigods and all gets lost in the echo. Maybe all the fun happens in the unofficial Discord, maybe I'm an Italian stereotype all about being expansive, but it doesn't really matter, because at the end of the day everything looks still; and it gets more and more annoying with the passing of time.
I'm probably gullible and filled with idealistic dreams. I repeat to myself my expectations are too high, that this is no company, no one is getting paid and we're all doing it for the sake of, well, doing it. But there is also a part of me which would like to scream sometimes; to many faces here, because that part doesn't want to belong outside of this reality, but at the same time doesn't seem to belong to this either. You find yourself stuck in between two worlds, where the one you chose to believe in doesn't believe in you nor, more broadly, in anything nor anyone. It just exists, and if you're lucky enough you'll find yourself going with the flow from time to time.
I get it, people at this point usually say "well, it's how open source communities work". But doesn't it sound like an old man justifying things from his age we now consider bad? Maybe the reality here is, people don't even want to try. And they feel justified by all the other people doing like so. I can also imagine who's gonna say this is an utopia, but I invite you to check Veloren and their weeky blog. How on Earth they have a weekly blog and we don't even have an updated website? Why they know what's happening and what they're aiming at, while we have zero official communications from core devs and no ideas of what's gonna happen next? I proposed a generic roadmap months ago in order to show some respect to whom creates content, but it's currently labelled as "Possible close". To me, and now I'm angry thinking about it, it's like a giant "fuck you". And I have quite a nice collection of fuck yous I could link, now that I think about it... But for real, I don't want to flame.
Talking with a user the other day, he said to me, and I quote: "If I was a dev, to be honest, I would have actively JUMPED at the chance to have somebody as talented as you to overhaul the menu any and other visuals we can get you to work on, even if it would require a bit of my own time to get that up and running". It was this message that actually brought me to the epiphany: core devs don't care. Now, beware, I'm not saying they don't care about me specifically; they just don't care enough about what's happening outside their fence. The other day I asked them who had ever played Minecraft, and 4 out of 4 told me... they never did. Sure, some of them watched gameplays, but trust me, you can't truly judge a game till you play it, as gameplay is empiric. So I wondered: is this a joke? The development of what was born as a Minecraft clone is handed to people who Minecraft never played it. For instance, one of them didn't know about dual wielding on Minecraft, something that's been implemented since early 2016. More than four years ago.
Before gearing up for a fight they say "know your enemy", and for a reason. And the sad truth here is that nobody knows no one, whether it's in or outside. All that matters is the cosy bubble someone lives in, where tapping it from the outside will only end up making you feel tired and demotivated. And then there is, that moment. Where you stop tapping and ask yourself: "Is it really worth it? Does it really matter?" and I fear the answer is no.
I saw a lot of topics wondering how things could be done better, I took part to a lot of them too, but here is the final answer to put some spirits at ease: what Minetest is really missing is a proper mindset. And a mindset is not something you can just "give" to someone. You can't really help them, especially if they don't want to. After a while you can only sit and watch, or, well, walk away. And I think I reached my "after a while".
I honestly think I gave Minetest everything I could: even now, where I skipped my lunch and postponed some work to do in order to write all of this. I've given Minetest the currently #1 texture pack, I've translated the whole modding book in Italian, I've started creating a brand new main menu, I've spitballed ideas, I've created fundamental mods such as parties, teleporting systems and a whole API for creating minigames (I'd like to highlight this is not an exhaustive mod list), I've widened up the community bringing new Italian players and developers, I've learnt C++ to try to help more. And nonetheless, it all seems useless. Because the problem is not me, nor are the other players or modders: the problem is at the top. The same evanescent top nobody knows how it exactly works.
I'd like to do an experiment switching roles up for a moment: if I had enough knowledge and I were a core dev, the first thing I'd do would be cleaning up those issues and PRs. I'd start communicating with my community, considering it, I'd provide a roadmap, I'd give hope to people through my actions and my words, I'd ask for a feedback, I'd port Minecraft ideas worth noting to Minetest, I'd make it visually appealing for common players. I'd stop thinking and acting just like a stereotyped developer. Basically it's nothing new, these are all things other people and I already suggested down the road. And I get it, someone will think "everyone is good with words", and to them I'd like to remind I do too have communities I take care of, mostly all by myself. And they're pretty healthy, even if I did all those things for Minetest in the meanwhile while working on my server with my friends.
But the truth is, I'm no core dev nor Minetest gives any sign of will to step up its game. And I grew tired of it. I could even create the best mod in the world, it'd still be pointless. I mean, sure, it may help bring new users, but the core of it will be as chaotic as before. Actually it'd be worse, because it'll have to deal with twice the issues without having learned how to clean them up in the first place.
So am I quitting Minetest? Not really. Because as I said before, I don't want to belong to what's outside either. I've already lived there: I had my fame, my "internet friends"; fuck, a dude even tattooed a drawing of mine on his body. But the foundation is all wrong, no matter how good is the rest. If I'm here is to build something new while having fun, to build tools in the hands of people and not people in the hands of tools. For me, for my friends, for who'll come after me. Just, the environment is all wrong. So I'll wrap it up, I took enough of your time: if someone wants to fork Minetest and they want to actually address all those problems I listed in here, count me in. As a core artist, as a game designer, whatever: I'll be more than happy to build it with you. Here, I feel demotivated. And this is 100% on who manages the community, not on me. In the meanwhile, I guess I'll live in denial working on my server with my friends because I still enjoy creating videogames and I'm aware of the potential of this tool.
Now I should probably go eating something. Thanks for your time
EDIT: grammar
today is one of those days where letting go feels kind of healing, so why not seizing the moment. I'm not writing this down feeling angry, nor my intention is to attack anyone. As the title said, I just feel tired of all of this, and I'd like to explain why.
I think we're all here because we believe in humans shaping tools to their need. We're curious, we want to see what's inside the box and we feel thrilled to the idea we can actually change what lies inside. Some feel powerful, some feel joyful, some just want to say "hey, see this little thing? I made it! There is a part of me in here!". Whatever the reason, that's what we do.
In the 7 months I've been here, I've never felt part of the Minetest community. Because, to me, there was no community to perceive in the first place. We're a bunch of strangers passing by, doing our thing, most of the time feeling kind of ignored, eventually getting frustrated. The general environment is cold, nothing really seems to happen even if it does happen, core devs resound like evanescent semigods and all gets lost in the echo. Maybe all the fun happens in the unofficial Discord, maybe I'm an Italian stereotype all about being expansive, but it doesn't really matter, because at the end of the day everything looks still; and it gets more and more annoying with the passing of time.
I'm probably gullible and filled with idealistic dreams. I repeat to myself my expectations are too high, that this is no company, no one is getting paid and we're all doing it for the sake of, well, doing it. But there is also a part of me which would like to scream sometimes; to many faces here, because that part doesn't want to belong outside of this reality, but at the same time doesn't seem to belong to this either. You find yourself stuck in between two worlds, where the one you chose to believe in doesn't believe in you nor, more broadly, in anything nor anyone. It just exists, and if you're lucky enough you'll find yourself going with the flow from time to time.
I get it, people at this point usually say "well, it's how open source communities work". But doesn't it sound like an old man justifying things from his age we now consider bad? Maybe the reality here is, people don't even want to try. And they feel justified by all the other people doing like so. I can also imagine who's gonna say this is an utopia, but I invite you to check Veloren and their weeky blog. How on Earth they have a weekly blog and we don't even have an updated website? Why they know what's happening and what they're aiming at, while we have zero official communications from core devs and no ideas of what's gonna happen next? I proposed a generic roadmap months ago in order to show some respect to whom creates content, but it's currently labelled as "Possible close". To me, and now I'm angry thinking about it, it's like a giant "fuck you". And I have quite a nice collection of fuck yous I could link, now that I think about it... But for real, I don't want to flame.
Talking with a user the other day, he said to me, and I quote: "If I was a dev, to be honest, I would have actively JUMPED at the chance to have somebody as talented as you to overhaul the menu any and other visuals we can get you to work on, even if it would require a bit of my own time to get that up and running". It was this message that actually brought me to the epiphany: core devs don't care. Now, beware, I'm not saying they don't care about me specifically; they just don't care enough about what's happening outside their fence. The other day I asked them who had ever played Minecraft, and 4 out of 4 told me... they never did. Sure, some of them watched gameplays, but trust me, you can't truly judge a game till you play it, as gameplay is empiric. So I wondered: is this a joke? The development of what was born as a Minecraft clone is handed to people who Minecraft never played it. For instance, one of them didn't know about dual wielding on Minecraft, something that's been implemented since early 2016. More than four years ago.
Before gearing up for a fight they say "know your enemy", and for a reason. And the sad truth here is that nobody knows no one, whether it's in or outside. All that matters is the cosy bubble someone lives in, where tapping it from the outside will only end up making you feel tired and demotivated. And then there is, that moment. Where you stop tapping and ask yourself: "Is it really worth it? Does it really matter?" and I fear the answer is no.
I saw a lot of topics wondering how things could be done better, I took part to a lot of them too, but here is the final answer to put some spirits at ease: what Minetest is really missing is a proper mindset. And a mindset is not something you can just "give" to someone. You can't really help them, especially if they don't want to. After a while you can only sit and watch, or, well, walk away. And I think I reached my "after a while".
I honestly think I gave Minetest everything I could: even now, where I skipped my lunch and postponed some work to do in order to write all of this. I've given Minetest the currently #1 texture pack, I've translated the whole modding book in Italian, I've started creating a brand new main menu, I've spitballed ideas, I've created fundamental mods such as parties, teleporting systems and a whole API for creating minigames (I'd like to highlight this is not an exhaustive mod list), I've widened up the community bringing new Italian players and developers, I've learnt C++ to try to help more. And nonetheless, it all seems useless. Because the problem is not me, nor are the other players or modders: the problem is at the top. The same evanescent top nobody knows how it exactly works.
I'd like to do an experiment switching roles up for a moment: if I had enough knowledge and I were a core dev, the first thing I'd do would be cleaning up those issues and PRs. I'd start communicating with my community, considering it, I'd provide a roadmap, I'd give hope to people through my actions and my words, I'd ask for a feedback, I'd port Minecraft ideas worth noting to Minetest, I'd make it visually appealing for common players. I'd stop thinking and acting just like a stereotyped developer. Basically it's nothing new, these are all things other people and I already suggested down the road. And I get it, someone will think "everyone is good with words", and to them I'd like to remind I do too have communities I take care of, mostly all by myself. And they're pretty healthy, even if I did all those things for Minetest in the meanwhile while working on my server with my friends.
But the truth is, I'm no core dev nor Minetest gives any sign of will to step up its game. And I grew tired of it. I could even create the best mod in the world, it'd still be pointless. I mean, sure, it may help bring new users, but the core of it will be as chaotic as before. Actually it'd be worse, because it'll have to deal with twice the issues without having learned how to clean them up in the first place.
So am I quitting Minetest? Not really. Because as I said before, I don't want to belong to what's outside either. I've already lived there: I had my fame, my "internet friends"; fuck, a dude even tattooed a drawing of mine on his body. But the foundation is all wrong, no matter how good is the rest. If I'm here is to build something new while having fun, to build tools in the hands of people and not people in the hands of tools. For me, for my friends, for who'll come after me. Just, the environment is all wrong. So I'll wrap it up, I took enough of your time: if someone wants to fork Minetest and they want to actually address all those problems I listed in here, count me in. As a core artist, as a game designer, whatever: I'll be more than happy to build it with you. Here, I feel demotivated. And this is 100% on who manages the community, not on me. In the meanwhile, I guess I'll live in denial working on my server with my friends because I still enjoy creating videogames and I'm aware of the potential of this tool.
Now I should probably go eating something. Thanks for your time
EDIT: grammar